File Erased

As all of you (nobody) know, I've tried my hand at writing a book, and it didn't turn out too well (of course). Nevertheless, it's currently on amazon.com, called Turn The Page: Life As A Page. I've been updating it and correcting it and all really good stuff (the crowd screams "lies!!!". Now it's more like a normal story (is that even possible), but I'll be posting the first draft here for free. If you want to see the updated and much improved one, you'll have to buy it on amazon. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *chokes after running out of air*!

My Awesomeness Test

Name: _______________________________________ Corrector/Derrick’s Signature:________

Derrick’s Awesomeness Test

Q1. Write your name in this box:

Q2. Someone is being annoying to you. He’s right next to you, and you are very angry at him. How can you solve this problem?

a) ignore him                                                                                                   e) all of them

b) walk away

c) punch him in the face

d) a and b

Q3. How many fingers do you have?

________________________________________________________________________

Q4. There are two farmers called Bob and Weave. Bob’s rooster makes a nest in Weave’s back yard. If the rooster lays an egg, who gets to keep the egg?

a) Bob

b) Weave

c) they must find a way to share it (e.g. cut the egg in half)

d) noone gets any eggs

Q5. Scissors

a) rock

b) paper

c) scissors

Q6. Read this passage from The Hobbit and answer the question.

But wherever it went it was not quick enough to escape Gandalf. Pop! he sent a smaller smoke-ring through each of Thorin’s. Then Gandalf’s smoke-ring would come back to hover over the wizard’s head. He had a cloud of 15 of them already, and in the dim light it made him look strange. Bilbo blushed to think how proud he had been yesterday morning of the the smoke-rings he had sent up over The Hill.

In the passage, how many smoke-rings did Bilbo have hovering over his head?

a) 7

b) 5

c) 15

d) none

Q7. Two numbers are relatively prime if their greatest common factor is 1. Is 3 a relatively prime number?

a) yes

b) no

c) I don’t know

Q8. Find all of the “i”s:

This test is so hard. I’m going to fail it.

a) 2

b) 6

c) 8

d) 4

Q9.

How do you cut cheese?

___________________________________________________________________

Q10. How many questions do you think you did right including this one? (You’ll get ½ a point if you say “I don’t know”)

___________________________________________________________________

And Your Score Is:

__________________________%

answers: 1. "your name". Like literally. 2. e. 3. Depends on how you define finger. 4. c. 5. c. 6. d. 7. c. 8. c. 9. You take a knife and slice the cheese. 10. What your got for 1-9 + 1.

Turn The Page Chapter 12 - What Happened To Merek

Chapter 12 - What Happened To Merek.

     Yay! Merek was defeated, and peace returned to the Hasty Castle. Walter was not a hero. Nobody seemed to remember the important part that Walter had played. Second place would go to Ulric the ranger, but he was too hard to notice. Instead, Lord Leo, seizing the chance, tweaked the story so that it seemed like it was only him that saved the castle. A lord has to have a good reputation.
     What happened to Merek, though?
     "What should we do with this fellow here?" said Ulric the ranger, spoiling the moment of celebration and no fires.
     "Hmm..." Lord Leo thought for some time about it. "Well, first, we've gotta shackle him and lock him up. That's obvious. We'll have time to decide what his punishment for being so stupid is."
     "Excellent suggestion," said the grumpy ranger.
     "No way!" Merek said, and struggled to escape. Unfortunately for him, the ranger's hands were stiffer than steel, and he got another poke on the place where he had been stoned.
     "You wouldn't mind taking this lump of uselessness to the dungeon, would you?" Lord Leo asked.
     "Who me?" said one of Lord Leo's soldiers, apparently thinking that Lord Leo was calling him useless.
     "No, not you," Lord Leo snapped. "I was talking about this guy." Lord Leo, who'd become grumpy like Ulric the ranger, jabbed his finger at Merek.
     "Who me?" Merek said.
     "Yes, you." Lord Leo turned to Ulric. "Lead him away now."
     There. Now you know what happened to Merek. I will tell you this, though. Merek's conditions in the dungeons were quite horrible. Merek had a few roommates that happened to be rats, and got one cup of water and one loaf of the moldiest bread there was in the castle every meal, which happened only twice a day, so that he became skinnier than a toothpick. Also, after Merek was sent to jail, nobody thought much more about his real punishment, and so he stayed there for a very long long long long long long long long long long time.


     Meanwhile, people started to rebuild the buildings that had been burned down. Many new improvements were added, and everything looked a bit different, the same way as when you move your furniture around to a more convenient position.
     Walter practiced his sword fighting skills, but not really getting all that much better, and learned more about the Samravian language. His grade turned from a C to a B-(that Walter read as a G+). Stormbringer was growing quite quickly, and became even more white. Soon Walter figured out that he liked apples a lot.
     Many months went by, and the spring rains stopped. The sun shined brightly, and Merek stayed in the dungeons of Hasty castle. What more is there to say? Oh, yeah. I need to finish the story. How about...

They Didn't Live Happily Ever After. Not really.

Might be continued...

Okay. There, I told you a story about a random guy. Now go away for a while. My throat's so sore from telling you this story. I'm never gonna tell another story again, even though I said might be continued. I'm just rambling now. The rest of this paragraph is totally useless. It doesn't tell you anything special, and it's just a random spacefiller. I'm not kidding, stop it! Seriously, still reading? Fine, read the rest of this. I warned you. You suck. LALALALALA. TROLOLOLOLO. BLABLABLABLABLA. LOLOLOLOLO. Wow. I'm impressed. You definitely don't give up easily. Hmm... How can I make this paragraph longer? I'm still rambling. I don't really know, so I'm just gonna end the story rigghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtttt, umm, oh! I'll end it right here! ->     =)

might be continued...

Turn The Page Chapter !! (<---That's an accident, and so is this) - The Smallest Important Battle In The History Of Samravia

Chapter 11 - The Smallest Important Battle In The History Of Samravia

     "Here's what you're going do," Merek said. "Your family shall live if you let us get out of this castle so we can attack it some other day. As you know, anybody attacks, your family dies." Then he let out an unrealistic bad-guyish laugh. It was loud enough to wake a statue, and it lasted for so long that Merek ran out breath and choked for a moment. Unfortunately, he regained his breath.
     "Grrr," grumbled Lord Leo. "Make way!"
     Lord Leo turned to Merek. "As you know, you kill anyone in my family, your whole group dies, too.
     Slowly and reluctantly, the crowd of soldiers parted, leaving a big space for Merek's group to walk through.
     "Begone!" Lord Leo grumbled.
     Walter heard many "but we were so close!"es and "dang it"s and "aww man"s, but there was no use. Merek's group would escape, and that was that. It was an unhappy day for everyone, including Merek, though he was grinning even more evilly. If not for Walter, he wouldn't actually need to escape. It's funny how he was satisfied, even though he hadn't actually gained anything in the end.
     The bad guys went through the hallways of Lord Leo slowly, so everybody could take a good look at Lady Loreena and Alice as they went by.
     It was as if the group of bad guys were sucking the happiness from the crowd. In fact, Merek's smile looked as though his lips had stretched all the way over his nose.
     It took forever for the bad guys to get out of the keep, so you can imagine how long it took to get to the gate of the castle.
     When the group of bad guys finally reached the entrance, Lord Leo immediately demanded that he release his family. Merek was a bad guy though, and everybody knows that bad guys never keep their promise. The good guys always fall for it, but I'm afraid it's a pattern that will be repeated in like every story in the future.
     "I think I'll hold on to these two for a little more now," Merek said. "After all, I won't actually kill them. I might torture them, but not killing is not killing no matter what." Well, apparently, my characters keep their promises indirectly.
     "Anyways, if I let your family go right now, you'd shoot me as I leave," Merek went on. "Well, good day people, we'll be OW!"
     A stone from the general direction of the forest had flew through the air in the middle of Merek's speech and hit him on the back of the head. If you've ever had a stone hit your head, which I haven't, you've probably been in a lot of pain before. Lady Loreena was surprised too, but recovered to escape from Merek as he clutched the spot where the stone had hit him. The other bad guys were too busy smiling stupidly to catch her, and she scrambled to safety in the large mob of Hastian soldiers. The bad guys tried to close in on Alice to make sure she didn't escape, but as they walked towards her, an arrow flew out from the woods. It landed on the bald guy's head with a THWACK, and he dropped to the ground, dead.
     "Kill her!" Merek yelled.
     "Kill them" Lord Leo yelled, talking about Merek's soldiers.
     Alice grabbed the bald person's battleaxe for no particular reason, and ran for it as the Hastians hastily charged into battle. Alice shouldn't have grabbed the battleaxe, because she was weighed down. The enemies quickly caught her and were going to slice her head off when the Hastian soldiers and the enemy clashed, and Alice accidentally dragged the end of her battleaxe onto the foot of the person trying to kill her.
     I would like to say that this was a huge and bloody, hardly fought battle with two armies that were almost invincible, and that the Hastians almost lost, but then I would be lying. Actually, although I lie quite often, I mean, actually, the battle was quite one sided. It was the well-trained Hastian soldiers in full armor and swords and maces and shields, against a bunch of misfits that preferred to stab people's back and wore no armor or chain mail, armed with clubs, maces, sticks, and thick skulls. In fact, the battle was so small, it didn't even enter the textbooks, which Walter would've liked, because he would be able to learn about himself.
     The battle was small. It was more like a skirmish. Walter tried to enter the battle but was disarmed within five seconds of battling an enemy. Every bad guy except Merek was killed. He had tried to escape and almost succeeded, but a few minutes after the battle, Ulric the ranger marched into the castle, holding Merek by the scruff of his neck with one hand, and his bow with his other. His quiver didn't have many arrows left. Merek tried to escape, but the ranger was probably immune to pain. He dropped his bow and poked Merek where the stone had hit him. Merek didn't try to escape after that.
     "By the way," Lord Leo asked. "Was that person that threw the stone-"
     "It was," said Ulric.
     "I thought you were-" Lord Leo exclaimed.
     "I didn't go with you to the keep because I knew the gate needed guarding," Ulric said. "I can't believe you didn't remember I wasn't there. Short term memory."
     "It's hard to see someone disappearing, you know," Lord Leo began, but it was no use. Rangers are about to come back at you somehow. By the way, every story should have a moral, or lesson, and the sentence before this one is the moral.
     Anyways, after the battle, a herald scanned the scene of the battle for Hastian deaths. It turned out that only 7 good guys had died, including the volunteer that was crushed by a rock. Everybody cheered and celebrated, not because they had died, but because Merek had been defeated at last.

Turn The Page Chapter 10 - Walter's Plan Goes Wrong! (Don, don, don)

Chapter 10 - Walter's Plan Goes Wrong

     The excuse for a crew of partially armed men passed the town square, where everyone but the ranger tired out, and had to have a drink of water. Then they kept on running, still screaming like barbarians despite being out of breath.
     By the time the majority of the group arrived at the gate, every single bad guy had already noticed them because of the yelling. The fancy portcullis had been battered pretty badly, and Walter was wheezing for breath. He thought of why he had forgotten to bring Stormbringer, but then he concluded that he might have had short term memory.
     The volunteers were thick in fighting by the time Walter arrived, brandishing some wooden tools. One unlucky volunteer was already dead on the ground, blood pouring from his side, and many bad guys armored in iron had fell with arrows in their foreheads.
     Walter was about to run to the assistance of a volunteer when there was sort of weird shadow next to him. Walter quickly used his limited logic skills to determine that a boulder was flying over the wall. Walter stepped backwards once, and a boulder landed right next to Walter's toe, where he was standing a moment ago, squashing a volunteer and three of Merek's warriors. Walter flinched.
     Walter saw Merek, the bald guy, and a few others dashing towards the great hall, but knew he was not fast enough to catch them. Suddenly, the portcullis burst out, and the guards bracing the portcullis fell on their bottoms. A giant wooden log burst through where the gate was, and was dropped on the spot. It accidentally dropped onto one of Leo's soldiers' toe. He screamed louder than the volunteers had when they were charging, and would've jumped up and down if he wasn't pinned there by the battering ram. Many troops dashed in, holding maces and spears and sticks and shields.
     The bad guys ran, but were shot down with bows, or were chased down by Lord Leo's knights on horseback.
     "Move it!" screamed Lord Leo from somewhere in the crowd, and everybody moved-ited. Lord Leo turned to Walter, and asked, "who was it?"
     "It was all these people, of course, except for that one," Walter pointed to a dead volunteer, "And one of them under that rock." Walter pointed at the big boulder that had squished a volunteer. As he said so another rock flew over the wall as if to underline the point. Luckily nobody was hurt by that one.
     "I meant who was the leader!" Lord Leo exclaimed.
     "The leader was Merek," said the ranger calmly.
     "Anyway, were you saying that it was Merek the whole time, even with him going to market?" Lord Leo asked.
     "Wellllll, the thing is, he was never really gone. He just stayed near the borders, but I didn't tell you because I kept on forgetting," Ulric said.
     "Short term memory," Lord Leo muttered. "As far as I know so far, we haven't gotten him. He deserves a proper execution. I'd always thought his advice was getting worse. Let's get 'em! CHARGE!"
     Lord Leo's army and Walter charged, but no one saw the ranger melt into the shadows and disappear.


     The good-guy soldiers dashed towards the great hall, still yelling, with Walter lagging behind again. Halfway through, everybody got tired again, and paused for a drink of water, "borrowed" from a merchant's shop. After five minutes, every got up and continued yelling.

     Soon they arrived at the great hall, and Lord Leo kicked the door open, mainly because it looked cooler to kick doors than to just open them. Behind the door were the citizens. Everybody cheered. "WOOOOH!"
     Walter caught up just as Lord Leo asked where Merek had went, and all of them pointed in the direction where he was last seen.
     "He went thataway!" They yelled.
     The whole band of soldiers immediately ran towards the place where he was last seen, which was Lord Leo's bedroom.
     Walter came along, hoping to do some real fighting, not just helping out. Lord Leo led the group, and when they arrived, Lord Leo opened the door, and sure enough, there was Merek, along with the rest of his troops, which was a teeny weeny amount compared to Lord Leo's army. What was unexpected was that Lady Loreena and Alice were in there too. Lady Loreena was being held by Merek, and there was a knife to her throat. The bald guy was holding Alice, but he had went extreme, and there was a battleaxe to her throat.
     Some archers nocked their arrows and prepared to fire, but Merek simply laughed.
     "You shoot, these two people die!" Merek said, sounding really evil. He gestured to Lady Loreena and Alice. "I knew I shouldn't have told you that I was the bad guy of the story!"
     "You never did!" Walter said.
     "I mumbled it to you on your first day here!" Merek replied, even eviller than earlier.
     So that's what he mumbled, Walter thought.
     "Oh. Nice to know," he said.
     "Now," Merek said, sounding even eviller. "If you want your family to stay alive, here's what you're going to do."

Turn The Page Chapter 9 - When One Sieges His Own Castle

Chapter 9 - When One Sieges His Own Castle

     No sooner than when Lord Leo's magnificent army marched out of sight of Hasty Castle, Merek jumped up and announced, "Now that Lord Leo has gone to war, I'm in charge of you weirdos."
     Weirdos? Merek was referring to the citizens as weirdos! What could this mean? I know, of course, but you and Walter don't. Yet.
     Merek began belching out instructions to everyone. "I've received news that the army attacking our neighboring allies are too strong to overcome. Lord Leo will not come back from this battle. I am your new Lord!"
     Everybody in the crowd gasped. The guy that would attempt to take over the castle was Merek after all!
     Someone in the crowd cried, "What the heck, I mean Lady Loreena should become ruler then!"
     Everybody else in the crowd cried, "Hear,hear!"
     Merek found an excuse. "But he's not dead, so I'm in charge!"
     Some more people cried "What the heck", but Merek was just too good. Sometimes it doesn't matter how logical your argument is. You just have to say it loud and repeat it many times. Within an hour, all the men and boys were burning down buildings that were unnecessary for Merek. Some men tried resistance, but there were quite a few men who had been planning to help Merek, and they had prepared whips specially for people who didn't obey them. Merek had succeeded for the moment.
     Walter sighed as a bald bad guy ordered him to start burning down the fountain. He had obviously not had a very good education. Walter lit a torch on fire, and started jabbing it onto the stone.
     "Stop messing around and set it on fire, you stupid kid!," screamed the stupid bald guy. "Here, it's like this." The stupido grabbed the torch, and threw it into the water.
     "Oh," said Walter, concluding that the bald person's big nostrils were bigger than his brains.
     "Here," said the person again. "Set that tree on fire!"
     "If you think it's so obviously easy, why don't you set it on fire?" with that, Walter blew out his torch and threw it at the guy. "Catch!"
     The person caught the torch easily with one hand, laughing stupidly. "Hah, it's obviously easy to catch a EOOWCH!" The person dropped the torch. He had caught it on the burning side, and his hand was already bigger and redder than his face (which means you have low intelligence).
     The bad guy flipped out, and grabbed Walter with his unburnt hand, which was relatively small now compared with his other hand, which was half the size of his body already and growing. He lifted the page in the air and flipped him over. "Now you'll join the fountain in burning! Bwahaha!"
     Walter thought this was funny, and also went "Bwahaha". The bald guy was about to throw him in when he heard a deep noise of a war horn.
     "What the?" said the bald person. Walter chose this great moment of distraction to kick the bad guy's head. His shoe squished into the bald person's head, wrinkling up. "Aargh," went the bald person. He dropped Walter in surprise, and clutched his head. With another "BWAHAHA," Walter fled.


     Merek panicked when the warhorn sounded. "Go defend this castle from any invaders now! All people not a bad guy like me has to go to the great hall. NOW!"
     People threw their torches at nearby bad guys, grumbled, and scrambled to the great hall. Walter ran off to get his wooden weapons.
     Soon Walter reached the place. Walter looked around for his lance, but it was nowhere to be seen. He grabbed his sword. Then he dropped it. Right next to the wooden swords, were metal ones. Just then, soldiers came and took the steel swords, leaving Walter with his sword. Walter grabbed his shield and hid it as best he could beneath his tunic. He took the sword, and was going to charge into the crowd of bad guys when someone said, "Hey," very quietly. Walter looked around, but nobody was there. Then something shook in the bushes, and the random "hey"er beckoned out of the green supergreen bushes. Walter couldn't see the rest of this "shady character" no matter how hard he looked.
     "What do you want?" whispered Walter.
     "To drive out Merek, but I thought it would be safe to assume that you aren't in his plans," replied the person. "You aren't one of his minions, right?"
     "No."
     "Then come here!"


     Once Walter had squeezed himself into the bush, and been thorned many thousand times, Walter still found it hard to find the person, but finally decided the smooth part of the bush was a cloak. It was Lord Leo's ranger.
     "Now," said the ranger. "You don't expect to kill all those guards with a wooden stick and a round trash can lid, do you? And do you realize that your lance is next to the sewer entrance?"
     Walter thought, and realized that was what he was going to try to do. How, well, let me put it this way, how dumb of Walter to expect to beat all the guards up that were twice as big, twice as heavy, twice as stupid, and more than three times as old as he was!
     "Um, actually, no. I was just going to practice with them."
     "Well, to kill anyone, you need a weapon and reinforcements, so here's what we're going to do, if you're not especially brave or stupid, which I believe you are," the ranger said. "We're going to sneak into the great hall and get combat volunteers. Then we'll charge into battle. I'll shoot some guards with my awesome bow skills, and the volunteers shall pick up the weapons and fight."
     "But all the bad guys have armor and fancy schmancy stuff while we're dressed in our normal everyday clothes! How do we win?" asked Walter.
     "You also have short-term memory!" The ranger looked like he was facepalming, but Walter wasn't sure, as he couldn't tell if the face was underneath the cloak, and he wasn't sure if he was seeing the ranger's hand, either. "The warhorn means that Lord Leo's back!"
     "Oh yeah," said Walter, a look of understanding crossing his face. "Wait a minute, how'd you know? I mean, about the sewer thing."
     "Huh?" asked the ranger. "Oh, I was in Lord Leo's room the whole time. I don't think you saw me. I know Lord Leo didn't."


     The smart person and the dumb person came out of the bushes, and Walter saw that somehow, the ranger didn't have any bruises or scratches from the thorns at all! Walter already had a bajillion bruises and scratches and booboos. The ranger looked around for bad guys. There was one posted on the wall, staring at the green green forest. The ranger produced a large longbow made of the finest wood, out of nowhere.
     The bow was big, but it was not particularly fancy. It was made of elm, and was around 5 feet tall. The arrows were even unfancier, but they were very long and had unusually sharp points. Now the ranger, who wasn't really as tall as he seemed from afar, selected one, fitted it onto the bow, and nocked it. Before Walter could blink, the arrow swished through the air and landed on the bad guy's helmet, and pierced through. The guard immediately fell off the wall into the green green forest.
     "Let's go," said the ranger, and they went.
     As they were running, Walter heard booms, and people shouting. Walter looked at the walls and saw a boulder fly over the wall and squash a bad guy flatter than a piece of paper. Walter had never seen real combat before, so this was new to him. Firing the catapult must've been fun. Getting squashed by the catapult wasn't as fun. Walter's thoughts were interrupted when he smashed into the doors to the great hall. He hadn't watched where he was going.
     The ranger opened the doors, and all the people inside cheered. "Woooo!"
     The ranger quickly explained his plan, and asked for volunteers. About 6 men volunteered to risk their lives. A little kid around four volunteered too, but his parents held him back. The men prepared for the little fight. The ranger reached inside his cloak while the volunteers punched the air in front of them. The ranger took two knives out of a scabbard, one was really small, and one knife was almost big enough a sword.
     The ranger threw the small one at a volunteer who was sitting down at a table. The knife landed right between his pinky and fourth finger, and tossed his almost-sword to another volunteer. The almost-sword missed the volunteer's armpit by an inch, even though he was standing against the wall at the other end of the hall. Soon all was ready, and the men promised their families that they would definitely come back (spoiler alert: not all of them did).
     The men walked out of the door, closing it behind them in the face of the next volunteer. When the volunteers were assembled, the toughest-looking person, who was, in fact, the toughest-looking guard that had questioned Walter's escort, used his great leadership skills to give commands, consisting of "here's the plan, we kill the enemy without dying" or "prepare to die" or "follow me!", and the volunteers charged, yelling like hooligans. the tough guy and the ranger in the lead, Walter lagging behind on short legs.

Turn The Page Chapter 8 - The Expected Message

Chapter 8 - The Expected Message

     "So you're saying the madmen outside the door banging are trying to take over the castle?" said Lord Leo.

     "Exactly," said Walter.

     "We need more privacy from these..." Lord Leo selected a word that would fit. "These... complete idiots."

     Lord Leo got up from his squashy chair, and the whole wad of green suddenly poofed out. Lord Leo quickly unbolted the door. "I'd advise you to get out of sight of those guys near the door. Lord Leo started to open the door. Walter looked around, and dived headfirst under Lord Leo's green bed, and landed in a particularly uncomfortable position.

     Walter peered out from under the bed, and tried to shift to a more comfortable position without making too much noise. As soon as the door opened, he saw two masked men, with knives, ready to strike.

      "Hello," said Lord Leo casually. "What would you gentlemen be wanting?"

      The masked guys immediately dropped their weapons. "Um, we were just coming in to say hi," said the guy with no weird accent.

     "Oh," replied Lord Leo. "Well, you must be tired to have journeyed so long to say hi to me. Do come in and have a cup of tea with me, and remove your sweaty masks. They look too good for you."

     "Oh no, we couldn't possibly accept," said the same guy. "We have cups of our own, and we really must be going. "

     "Such a pity to come so far just to say hello," replied Leo, not looking disappointed at all. "Well, I hopefully won't need to see you again. And definitely don't need to get too hot as you have done in your masks." Lord Leo then promptly slammed the door in their faces, and bolted the door again. The masked men didn't knock on the door anymore.

     Walter climbed out from under the bed, grunting and groaning and rubbing his bruises. "Nice try, but those losers aren't that stupid," he said. "We need to find a way to figure out who these guys are, and if there are more of them."

     "First I need to hear what you heard from them," said Lord Leo.

     So Walter explained the whole chapter seven, replacing "Walter" with "I", and "him" with "me".  Lord Leo asked a question or two in the middle, and Walter answered the questions as best he could. After the story, the lord of the castle scratched his beard in thought.
     "So I should be expecting a message from another kingdom," said Lord Leo thoughtfully. "Alright. I'll be prepared for that."


     Many weeks passed, and no messages had come. Winter slowly faded into spring, and the snow began to melt. Walter decided that the masked men had given up on trying to take over the castle. Apparently, Walter was just too awesome for them.
      Little did Walter know that, although he was awesome (like me), the bad guys were not idle.
     The trade fair ended, and many people went out of town. This included many peasants, noblemen, and other people, and to Walter's relief, Merek went out with a group of peasants, too.
    The fires continued, though, which meant that nobody that went out had any plans to take over the castle.
     One day, a soldier wearing a bascinet, a really fancy helmet that had a visor, and plate armor, a really normal but effective armor made with hard metal plates, rode up on a black battlehorse.
     Walter was nearby, and was expecting him. The soldier handed a piece of crumpled parchment to the toughest-looking guard that had questioned Walter when he had come to the castle. Before the guard could ask any questions, the soldier ran to his horse, and bolted off. The guards attempted pursuit, but they couldn't catch up with a horse. Spotting Walter nearby, the tough guard handed it to him, telling him to give it to Lord Leo.
     "Thanks, I'll do it real quick!" Walter said truthfully, and dashed off to the keep.
     Walter arrived at Lord Leo's room out of breath, and opened the door. Again, the only person in the room was Lord Leo. Walter immediately panicked. He shut the door.
     Walter handed the message to Lord Leo. To Walter's surprise, Lord Leo actually read it.
     "There's no use reading it, because..." Walter began, but Lord Leo cut him off.
     "I have to make sure this isn't a real letter before I crumple it, rip it in half, or throw it in the fire. The letter says that our neighboring castle is under siege. It appears that it says that your father is the one under siege."
     "Oh."
     "See this?" asked Lord Leo. "There is no signature, which means it's probably fake. "Also, more importantly, there's no stamp with your father's coat of arms, so even more probably fake. Even more importantly, these people are so stupid and honest that it says here in small print that it's a fake." Lord Leo showed it to Walter, and then he crumpled the letter. Then he was going to throw it in the trash, but thought again. He uncrumpled the paper, and ripped it in half. Then he recrumpled it and tossed it to the trash can. The ball of paper hit the rim, rolled around the edge for a painfully long time, and at last, it tipped out of the basket.
     "Dang it, I missed!" exclaimed Lord Leo. He walked towards the ball of crumpled paper, and was going to slam dunk in the basket, but he thought again. He uncrumpled the paper again, alligned the two pieces, and ripped them both in half again. Then he crumpled it again. Then he tossed it into the fire.
     At that moment, Alice walked into the room. Lord Leo immediately said,"there's no need to act formal around Walter either." Alice immediately went normal mode.
     "Can you tell me a story?" she asked.
     "Well, I don't have a... wait a minute," Lord Leo changed his mind in midsentence. "Have I a great story for you!"


     After Lord Leo had told the story titled "The Expected Message" (by Lord Leo and Walter) to Alice, they debated how they should respond to the message. As they talked it over, Walter saw that the people who had gone out of town had come back.
     "If they were trying to take over the castle, we could set up a trap for them," Lord Leo suggested.
     Then it hit Walter. Lord Leo's army could go out of town for an hour or two, then sneak back into the castle, and retake it. At the same time, they could find out who the culprit was! It was a plan made up by the geniuses of geniuses!
     Walter quickly explained his plan.
     "We could do that!" said Lord Leo.
     Within one hour, Lord Leo had mustered his army. Walter hoped his plan would work, because most people like it when their plans worked. Almost everyone in town was gathering in the town square wishing Lord Leo and the other soldiers good luck. Lord Leo looked fine indeed in his expensive mithril armor. If you want to know what mithril is, it is a hard metal that can be found only in the dwarven mines that went many miles underground, going to 9.7 on the Moh's scale for hardness. It was lighter that any type of armor at the time except leather, and it was very malleable. Too bad he wouldn't get to use them.
     Soon, all the preparations (not very many) were made. Lord Leo then gave a speech, much like the one he had given before the hunt a month and a half ago.
     "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhem," boomed Lord Leo in a lordly way, pretending to clear his throat over and over until he had gotten everyone's attention. "As you all know," Lord Leo said, as he usually did at the beginning of his many speeches. "Our friend and ally, and Walter's father is apparently under siege. So the point is that we shall march over there and squish the attackers like ants, and come back with all the enemies' armor for our blacksmith to reuse. Any questions?"
     Nobody had any questions. Even Walter had trouble coming up with a question.
     "Alright then," said Lord Leo. "Let's go!"
     Walter watched as the army, which "coincidentally" contained every single one of Lord Leo's soldiers, marched into the green green forest, making lots of noise on purpose. Many soldiers looked backwards, wondering if they would see the walls of Hasty Castle ever again. Of course, all of them did. Soon the road that the army was traveling by turned, and all Walter could see was a green green forest, in the green green land of Samravia.

Turn The Page Chapter 7 - The Sewer

Chapter 7 - The Sewer

     Walter didn't hear the voices again for a long time. That, of course, meant that Walter was hearing random things in his head. Walter was still suspicious that the voices reflected some truth. It must have some connection with the organized fires. Wait, what? Of course not! If he was imagining things, it couldn't be related to the fires at all. What was Walter thinking?
     Walter thought about all this as he ate breakfast. The breakfast consisted of some simple bread. He thought he got the hard bread and the moldy cheese, but Alice told him he got the moldy bread and the hard cheese.
     It was in the middle of Winter, which was, for Walter, good. He loved snow. Everything turned from green to white overnight! Even better, the schoolmaster had decided that there would be no class today, due to snow. Even betterer, Walter liked throwing snowballs, especially at his horse.

     There was a guest today. It was not an elf or a dwarf. Today the visitor was a hobbit. The hobbit was a bit shorter than Walter, and his feet didn't touch the floor when he sat down. He had curly brown hair and wore no shoes. The hobbit did indeed look like a child. Strangely, the hobbit easily cleared both his plate and his goblet. Apparently he liked food a lot.
     Walter looked at his food. There was quite a bit less than there was when he last checked. There was no dropped food on his part of the table (nor the hobbit's as he'd licked it all up). Walter had not eaten much of his food either. He'd picked at it. There's only one logical answer, thought Walter. It must be...
     Alice! She must have stolen my food!
     Guess again, Walter. He appears not to have heard me...
     "Why'd you steal my food, Alice?" said Walter.
     "Huh?" a surprised Alice answered back. "I didn't steal your food."
     The hobbit smiled behind Walter's back.
     "It was that guy!" exclaimed Alice. The hobbit tried to act casual. Walter turned around.
     "You should've asked me if you wanted food!" said Walter to... Lord Leo.
     It seems that Walter has got it wrong again.
     "Huh?" a surprised Leo answered back. "I didn't steal your food."
     The hobbit smiled behind Walter's back.
     "It was that guy!" exclaimed Lord Leo. The hobbit tried to act casual. Walter turned around.
     "You should've asked me if you wanted food!" said Walter to... his plate.
     Let's fast-forward a bit.


     After a while, the hobbit, who still hadn't been discovered, took out a pipe, and lit it with a match. He blew a beautiful white ring of smoke. It went all the way to the ceiling, and everyone watched in amazement as it flew around the room, never breaking. At last it sailed out the exit and vanished out of sight.
     "How did you do that?" Everyone asked.
     "Never mind, I'll show you later," the hobbit said. "I must speak with Lord Leo."
     "Okay then," Lord Leo said. "Let's hear it, then."
     "I was thinking," began the hobbit. "Could we set up a trade fair? I've heard your treasury is running low.
     "Yes, it has," answered Lord Leo. "It has much less gold than usual, after we spent most of it repairing the kitchen."
     "I thought that if we held a trade fair, we would both benefit!" said the hobbit.
     "Is your treasury running low too?"
     "No, no,no. Hobbits don't have treasuries," said the hobbit. "We don't live in castles. I live in a nice little hole a mile away."
     "Alright! I demand 10% of your profit," said Lord Leo, and added quietly," Who'd want to live in a hole?"
     "Allright then," said the hobbit.
     "Wait, I can't open the market without knowing your name!" Lord Leo said.
     "Oh right! I guess I have short-term memory. My name's Drogo Underhill, nice to meet you!" The hobbit said, and went out the door to set up the trade fair.


     The trade fair was great, to say the least. He'd gotten 20 dollars this time. The fair's only drawbacks were that they were noisy, dirty, and before Walter realized it, he only had 10 dollars. Another pickpocket! Grrrr!
     Walter spent the rest of the money quickly to make sure they weren't taken (and regretted it immediately because there was some really good food just ahead). 


     Walter headed towards the place where he practiced his combat skills every day. But then, something really bad came over Walter. It was really really really really really bad.
     Walter had to go to the restroom! It was doomsday!
     Walter reluctantly shuffled toward the restroom.
     The restroom was horrible. There was a stone floor with small holes to let liquids seep in and get drained away. The restroom, more often called a garderobe had not-so-comfortable bumpy stone seats that felt cold when you sat on them, and the smell coming out of the middle of it would make anyone pass out from stinkiness, and then fall down an 80-foot long shaft, where waste decomposed. In short, the restroom was not a very pleasant place.
      "Yes, it's almost time."
      "Soon, da castle shall be mine!"
     "You mean ours."
     "Yeah, dat's wat I said. Mine!"
     Walter could hear the voices in his head again. Walter listened on.
     "Anyways," said the first voice. "We need uh plan B, y'know, in case plan A doesn't work."
     Walter was surprised to hear this in his own mind, because he didn't get all this stuff about As and Bs. As you know, language was not one of his strong suits.
     "And an escape in case when we get caught," continued the first voice.
     Walter wondered what all of this meant. Was he predicting the future? Was he going insane? He probably was insane, because the voices seemed to be coming from down the toilet.
     "Wait, what?" said Walter.
     Walter poked his head into the hole, as far as he could go, without being stinkified. He was quite used to it by now, though it still smelled really bad. Walter could smell the waft of the dirty shaft, even through his mouth, and if you can taste the air, it means you definitely shouldn't smell it. The voices got louder. Oh no! Thought Walter, using his limited deductive reasoning. - some guy is trying to take over the castle!
     Walter quickly pulled his pants up, and rushed down to the ground level, and dashed outside.
     Walter was met with a blast of cold from outside. The snow was thicker than when he'd went to the restroom.
     Walter went to the stables and lay down on the ground. There were the sounds again. Walter realized what it was that he'd been hearing. He wasn't insane after all! Yes! That was the most important thing! Oh, wait, it wasn't. Oops, for a moment Walter had forgot about the evil guys. The sound was coming from the sewer! What a clever way to meet in secret.
     Walter got up and looked around for an entrance besides the garderobe. Quickly, he spotted an entrance. It was fancy, green, and Walter remembered going through it many times. Wrong door, that was the main entrance to the keep. Walter looked around again.
     He turned circles, and walked right into Stormbringer, who was so white that, being covered with snow, he looked gray. All horses have a blind spot right in front of them because their eyes are at the sides. Stormbringer couldn't see Walter, and for a moment he panicked. Walter quickly marched into view and put his hand on Stormbringer to tell him that he was there. Walter was too focused on finding an entrance to the sewer to notice that Stormbringer wasn't even in his stable.
     Walter continued to search for a sewer entrance as the snow continued to fall. Soon he found an entrance. It was brown with rust. Definitely not the main entrance to the keep. There was an equally rusty handle. Walter grabbed at the handle. Immediately bajillions of rust particles flaked off. Walter pulled the handle. There was a creak that was so loud that you must have been able to hear it a mile off. Walter slipped inside the hole, grunting very loudly.
     There were rusty, bumpy ladders, and Walter grabbed them and started down. Down, down, down he went. Walter went down about 6 feet (he's six feet under!). Suddenly, he missed his footing. He was left hanging by his hands. Walter couldn't get back onto the ladder! He started to lose his grip. He let go, and down, down, down he fell. A bad way to die! Thought Walter as he fell. Walter landed on his feet. Nothing happened. No great pain. Walter reached up, and realized that he couldn't have fallen more than 6 inches.
     The sounds of the 2 conspirators were echoing through the sewer. Walter wiped the rust off his hands, and tried to take a closer look at the tunnel. It was almost pitch black. Every few feet, there was a beam of sunlight from another sewer entrance, but that didn't help much. And wow, it was stinky down there! Walter was smelling years and years of waste dropped down garderobe pipes and being decomposed. Not a very sweet smell.
     The sounds were coming from somewhere to Walter's leftish side, and that's where he wentish.
     He hadn't traveled so far enough that he couldn't remember where the entrance was. That didn't matter anyway, because there were tons of entrances right above him. He turned a corner, and he saw bright torchlight. At least it seemed bright from the gloom of where Walter was. Against the wall, Walter could see the shadows of 2 men sitting down.
     "I think we should send a fake letter from a neighboring castle," said one person.
     "How 'bout that Walter Crewe guy's father?" said the other guy.
     "We could do that. You'll be the messenger, and then we can take over the castle when the stupid lord of the castle is gone."
     Walter had a silent fight with himself. One voice in his head, Walter's "neutral" voice, kept on repeating, "Lord Leo's not stupid!"
     Another voice, that Walter regarded as the negative voice in his head, said that he should stay there and eavesdrop. Walter respected the negative voice, because it helped get him out of many sticky situations. Then again, it got him into some too. That voice wasn't bad. It was just negative.
     The positive voice said he should sneak out of the sewer and report the intel he had received. The positive voice wasn't necessarily good either. Walter trusted it more, but he never got any fun when he only listened to the positive side.
     The neutral side couldn't decide which side to take. Walter visualized the two voices having a fight. The fight was fierce. The negative side cornered the positive side, but the negative slipped, and the positive side kicked the negative thought in the face. The negative thought lay on the ground for 10 seconds. Knockout.
     Walter made a step back to the entrance. Then he made another step. There was a small splashing noise.
     The two shadows halted. Walter stopped moving and tried not to breathe. The breath might echo.
     "Whuzzat!" hollered one person.
     "Shhhhhhh!" said the other. "The echoes here are loud. Lord Leo might hear us. It was probably dripping water or some poo."
     Walter tiptoed back towards the entrance. Suddenly he tripped over a smooth stone, and with a SPLASH and a "Woah!" Walter splashed into the water, filled with poo. Ugh!
      "Now don't tell me dat was a bucket of water and a stone dropping inta the water!"
      "It probably was, but let's see!"
     Walter ran for it, and reached the entrance and furiously climbed the ladders.Walter went about halfway up, and looked down. The two guys groped for Walter's feet. In the dark, Walter couldn't make out their faces. Walter kicked at one person's head. He couldn't tell if he'd hit his mark or not, but there was an "OW!" like a medieval Michael Jackson a second later. Walter scrambled up the ladder, with the bad guys on his heels.
     Walter scrambled up the last bit of the ladder, and opened the hatch.
     "It's the darn hobbit!" said one bad guy.
      A brownish hand caught Walter's leg as Walter climbed out of the sewer. Walter kicked hard, and squished his dirty shoe into the person's head again (which told the bad guys that it wasn't the hobbit, as hobbits didn't wear shoes). Walter quickly slammed the door into someone's masked face. Walter heard an "oof!" from the people as they tumbled down the entrance. Walter paused to gain his breath. This was a mistake, as the sewer people climbed up the ladder again. Realizing that the hatch was opening again, Walter ran over with his wooden lance, and thrust hard into the entrance. With another "oof", the people fell down again.
     Walter ran before the people could see him again. Walter ran all the way to Lord Leo's room, and slowed down, and prepared his manners in case Lady Loreena or Alice was there. Walter knocked, and walked in. He saw that Lord Leo was the only one there, sitting at the supergreen comfy squashy chairs, and immediately started panicking. Walter grabbed the door, and saw people's shadows coming up the green stairs. Walter slammed the door and bolted it right in the bad guy's face. Walter believed that the door actually did hit someone's head.
     "Umm, what's going on?" asked Lord Leo.

Turn The Page Chapter 6 - Another Day In The Life of Walter

Chapter 6 - Another Day In The Life Of Walter

      Another three weeks had passed, with minor fires that were put out within a minute, Walter chewed some tough, chewy pork from his plate (and dug up another arrowhead). Then he ate some extra-green green greens.

     It was Friday again. Thank god! thought Walter, because it was it was the last day he had to take the boring class with the schoolmaster before the weekend. Then again, he was going to take a test.

     Walter trudged toward the schoolroom. Soon he arrived five minutes late, which was a record (it was the earliest he'd ever been).
     "Itareatcord!" said the schoolmaster. (translation:it's a record!)
     "What's an eatcord?" asked Walter.
     "Nonononono it a reatcord!"
     "Whatever," said Walter, and the lesson began. All the time, there were voices going on inside his brain about the culprits of the fires.
     "Blablablablabla!" blabbed the schoolmaster. "Reeyouleestining?" (translation: blablablablabla. Are you listening?)
     "Yes I am. You just talked about the, um, um, the, the thing you were talking about," Walter said.
     "Correct!" The only things Walter could understand from the schoolmaster were the things he wanted to hear.
     "Ooright!" blabbed the master. "Testime!" (translation: allright, test time!)
     The schoolmaster handed Walter a piece of paper and a pencil dull quill. It was probably dullened by the teacher, who was even more dull. Any good author should know how to create new words when they need them.
     On the test sheet, there was a bunch of scribbly handwriting that Walter couldn't read.
     "beeeegin!" said the schoolmaster.
     "Um, you must have forgotten I can't read..." said Walter.
     "oopsie," said the schoolmaster. "1st questeen. Write dee latter "A"."
     Walter understood, and tried to write the letter A. He ended up with an upside-down O (ha-ha hee-hee). The test, in the least, was very very hard. Walter kept writing a letter and realizing there was another letter that looked exactly the same, but was supposed to mean something else. Then he'd have to figure out which was which.
     After the test, the schoolmaster took down Walter's score, and handed him a piece of paper.
     "Seays ur gradie. Lord Leo sine!"
     On the sheet was a big fat C. Walter read it as "F", and thought he was going to be punished or something.

     "Class dismissed!" Said the schoolmaster, and this time Walter heard it clearly.



     Walter crumpled up the report card, stuffed it in his pocket, and went to the place where he practiced his combat skills every day. He saddled up Stormbringer, his very white horse, and took a lance and shield from the weapons rack nearby.
     The 1st smarty was waiting there on his wooden horse, staring in concentration at Walter, trying to calculate the way to outsmart him.
     Walter dug his heels into Stormbringer's sides, and the pony charged.
     Both the fighters stared at each other in concentration. Walter stared at the dummy. The smarty stared at the human. There was a clomping of hooves from both sides (more coming from Walter's and almost none coming from the hourse [the wooden horse was so smart that it could tell time]).
     The riders clashed. Walter missed, and the smarty hit Walter on the center of the shield. He barely managed to cling on to his horse.
     Walter heaved some deep breaths. The score was 0-1, with the dummy winning. After both sides had rested, it was time for the second round.
     Walter pressed his heels into his horse again. The horse charged. Walter bashed the center of the smarty's shield, but the smarty was too quick, and twirled around. It hit Walter on the chest, and Walter couldn't breathe properly for a few minutes. 0-2.
     When Walter regained his breath, he pressed his pony forward again. This time Walter hit it square in the chest, but the smarty was always one step ahead of him, and it hit Walter's face, though with minimal damage. A little bit of blood dripped from his nose.
     When... "0-3!" screamed the smarty.
     As I was saying, when Walter's nose dried up, Walter did another round. He hit the dummy on the face. The dummy wheeled around and scraped Walter's shoulder.
     Walter had won the... "1-3!" screamed Walter.
     You guys should stop cutting me off. Anyways, Walter had won the round. Walter wheeled around for one last time, and charged. He dug his heels in harder. Faster, thought Walter. He dug his heels in more. Moar! thought Walter.
     The two riders clashed once again. There was a splintering, smacking noise, and Walter's lance charged straight through the dummy.
     Stormbringer couldn't slow down in time, and Walter, clinging to the lance, was unhorsed. He bumped and butted heads with the dummy (they never agreed) and Walter couldn't hold on, and crashed to the ground. His head hurt. A lot.
     He could hear voices in his head. Voices from deep, deep underground discussing how they would try to take over the castle.
     Walter just lay there listening to the voices. He recognized one of them, but couldn't remember who it was. "Naw, dat won't werk. B'sides, it ain't gonna delay dem fer long enough!"
     After a few minutes of listening Walter got up, and the voices stopped.
     I'm hearing voices in my head! thought Walter.
     Walter pulled his lance out of the dummy, and put his weapons away. Then, much to the disappointment of Stormbringer, who had counted on the headache to make Walter forget, led him back to his stable. Then he stumbled into his bedroom and immediately went to bed.

Turn The Page Chapter 5 - Hunting

Chapter 5 - Hunting

     Because the kitchen was destroyed in the fire, the feast was delayed for several days. The woodcutters had to work in overtime to supply the kitchen with materials. It was market day once again, and Walter was given more money than usual, and told to keep an eye out for things the kitchen could use, like utensils and furniture stuff, because everything related to cooking had been burned down in the fire.

     Prices had soared in the days following the fire because the merchants knew there was a shortage, and people had to pay extra for goods. First, the stores were replaced. The wheat gained from the harvest refilled the silos, but people needed equipment. Walter was able to find an assemble-it-yourself/AIY table, and spent all his money. Walter was so excited to find a table that he could help the kitchen with. Only after assembly did he realize that the table was a miniature table for dolls.

     The next day, the Lord declared that a large group of men would go hunting for extra meat. Walter was presented his own falcon, and when he asked why his was female, Lord Leo said that all falcons used for hunting were female because they were bigger.
     "That's odd," Walter said. "Surely males are always bigger than females."
     "Well now you know that they aren't always bigger," Lord Leo said. "And don't call me Shirley."

     Around 100 men and some noblewomen went to a clearing in Lord Leo's extra-green private forest, where the people interested in hunting were supposed to meet, including Merek and Lord Leo. The clearing, was, well, clear, and there was some super-green green grass and some yellow and blue flowers (and yellow + blue=green). The sky was quite cloudy. The forest in front of them was literally chirping with life, and someone had already shot a deer before the hunt had even started. There was also a very large brown wooden crate on the floor, with an open lid that everyone was supposed to put the hunted animals in.
     Lord Leo gave a short speech, giving everybody details that they already knew. That's the way things went back then.
     "You all know why we're here," Lord Leo began. "Because we do not have enough meat for the storage," he continued, even though he already knew everyone knew the reason they were there.
     "We've brought a small box for you to put the dead animals in," said Lord Leo in a loud voice, gesturing to the big brown wooden crate. "Everyone knows the rules: No killing animals in their homes. No chopping down trees. No chopping down baby animals, no chopping down other humans, and NO SETTING FIRE TO THE FOREST! If I find anybody setting fire to this grand forest, I will be very mad. Any questions?"
     Walter raised his hand, because he had a question, and everyone stared at him.
     "What?" said Lord Leo.
     "How do you hunt?" Walter asked.
     Some people chuckled at this question.
     "Good question," replied the Lord. "You kill the animal you wish to hunt by any means necessary except if you will be disobeying the rules I have just stated. Starters should try catching one with their bare hands, as that is certainly going to be very easy. Let's go!"
     And with that everybody sent out their falcons, the hunting dogs were released, and the hunt began. Everybody cleared out of the clearing, sending tall brown dust clouds in the air, and walked into the forest, following the dogs.



     Walter tried not to make any sound at all. He had been traveling with Lord Leo, and after an hour of watching a dog sniff and drool and walk around with its nose to the ground and following it, the dog had led them right back to the clear clearing with the extra-green grass.
     Walter was now behind the crate of animals with Lord Leo and some other guy, which was a quarter full of geese, pigeons, deer, and pinecones. There was a wild boar on the edge of the clearing. Walter had no idea what it was doing. When you looked at the boar, you would never have guessed it was related to the pig at all, except for the flat nose. That was it. This boar had tusks, and was very dark brown. The boar was even more not like a pig, because its tail didn't curve at all like a pigs does (a pig's tail doesn't really curve as much as they say, either, but it still curves).
     "This is my only arrow, which I have never missed with, and I intend to hit the boar and then recover it, so don't make me miss," Lord Leo whispered.
     "Who cares?" asked the other guy. "I have another one."
     "Well give it here so I don't need to use the grand arrow."
     The random guy took out an arrow. It was basically a stick with a sharp piece of stone at one end, and three feathery feathers at the other.
     Lord Leo nocked his arrow, aimed and fired. Then he ran behind the crate again. Thunk! Walter peered around the edge of the crate and saw the arrow had accidentally hit the boar's rump.
     Walter reported the news while the boar snorted and screeched with rage, and Leo facepalmed.
     The boar snorted again, and growled. It sniffed with its huge flat nose. Then it took one step toward the crate. Then another. Walter tightened his grip on his spear. The boar went around the crate and appeared at Lord Leo's side, and the lord went crazy. He quickly shot an arrow that amazingly missed from such a close range, and started randomly thrusting his spear and missing. The other guy and Walter couldn't do anything because they were paralyzed with surprise.
     Soon Lord Leo gave up fighting, and everyone ran, with the boar on their heels, its arrow on its behind waving in the air. They were just out of stamina when a man in a cloak revealed himself from the forest, and shot the boar on the side with a well-made steel-tipped arrow. The boar turned around in fury and chased after the new cloaked guy, and the man shot two more arrows. After the last arrow hit the boar, it snorted, slowed down, and fell to the ground one inch from the man.
     The man took off his hood to reveal a very grim-looking face.
     "Why, it's our ranger! I never knew you were hunting with us today!" Lord Leo said.
     "I wasn't. I just saw something like smoke from near the town wall. Then I realized it was smoke, and now I'm here to tell you that there is a fire in the forest," said a grim voice.
     Everyone except the ranger went to get a closer look. Indeed, there was smoke coming from the woods.
     "But that's against the rules!" Lord Leo said, outraged. "It's my personal forest!
     "It would appear that something like this has happened before," The ranger said, ignoring Lord Leo. "so the culprit of the fire in the kitchen, assuming that this fire was planned, is one of the people that came here to hunt. I know it's not me, and I don't think it's you."
     "Neither do I," said Lord Leo.
    At that moment, it started raining, and the fire was put out. Everybody came, one by one, back to the clearing.
     When everybody was gathered, Lord Leo, who was not in the best of moods, said, "One of us made the fire, which just happened and was put out. If you admit that you did it, you'll simply be banished from the castle. If I catch you, the consequences will be much more severe. Will the person who did this please raise his hand?"
     Nobody raised their hand.
     "Well, I guess the guy that set the forest on fire will be punished more severely. Any questions?"
     Walter raised his hand, because he had a question, and everybody stared at him.
     "What?" said Lord Leo.
     "How will we get this crate back home?" asked Walter.
     "We'll push it."
     "Won't that be hard?"
     "No. I've attached wheels to the bottom. How could you not notice? They've been around for years. Haha, get it? Around? Let's go!"


     Over the next week, preparations for the kitchen were made, and in the meantime, everyone went to the town square to eat every day.
     Some dwarves came around, and traded them some knives and spoons, and even offered chopsticks. Lord Leo took them all, and consulted the schoolmaster on the use of these tools. It took them a long time, but eventually they figured out how to use them. New spits were brought in, and Lord Leo imported some new wine.
     At last, the kitchen was finished. Everyone took a look at the builders' work. The new kitchen had more stone and less wood. The oven was now made of stone, and the tables were fireproof. Well, at least they were supposed to be.
     Finally, it was the day of the feast. Walter got up, and went to the great hall. All the tables were set up with grand tablecloths, hiding the black fire stains.
     Once everybody that had been invited (and some that were not) had come, the feast began.
     While the feast was going on a few entertainers went to an open area in the great hall. They were musicians and jesters, pranksters and storytellers. Some people did some acrobatic movements, and some people sang and danced. Others told stories, cracked jokes, and still others played instruments. One person did everything that was mentioned, and some that weren't.
     There were many cries of "Yay!" (and "Boo!"), and the villagers rated each performance from 0-10. Some people got up and performed, and people liked it, and they threw flowers. Some people were not so good, and people threw banana peels.
     There were many courses, each as good as the last one or better. The main course consisted of salted beef, fresh fish, and a variety of tough, chewy pork, which turned out to be a wild boar. Walter wanted to try a piece, and got the boar's bottom. He couldn't say he enjoyed it. Not because there was the thought droppings would come out of there, because it had been cleaned very well, but it was because the cooks failed to clean out something else.
     Walter spit out a well-cooked arrowhead, and reminded himself not to eat any more meat for a month.

Turn The Page Chapter 4 - Total Panic

Chapter 4 - total panic

     Life at Hasty Castle was not bad at all. In a few months, Walter made some friends. Most people at Hasty castle were very nice. That was all very good, but he also made enemies. Usually Lord Leo would be sitting on a chair in the great hall to settle disputes and answer problems. Whenever someone came, Merek, the advisor, would often give Lord Leo bad advice, and believe it or not, Lord Leo actually sometimes took it. Well, at least the advice sounded bad. One time, A local farmer came over and told Lord Leo about how a pickpocket had picked his pocket and stole his lucky carrot. Merek's advice was: "Too bad!" Luckily, though, Lord Leo didn't follow that piece of advice.

     It was the day of the harvest. The harvest was a good day for most people because the storages were filled with food (and more ants than usual). Lord Leo had told Walter in advance that he would host a great feast in honor of the harvest, as he had always done for as long as anybody that was anyone could remember.
     Walter watched the farmers swarm to the super-mega-extra-green greenish green green fields and start using iron sickles to chop down the crops. One boy about Walter's age tried to chop down a plant with a nickle, like, the coin. Apparently, he'd heard his father wrong. Walter watched a pig that was running as fast as it could, pursued madly by a mob of farmers.
     Walter heard the bell chime a deep gonging sound, which meant breakfast. Walter headed back to the keep. Soon he reached the great hall. After a short wait, servants once again came into the great hall and uncovered the food.
     Walter was halfway through breakfast when Merek ran through the hall shrieking.
     Lord Leo asked, "What is it?"
     "Fire in the kitchen! Evacuate immediately!" Merek screamed, then ran as fast as his legs could carry him out of the great hall, tripping once or twice.
     After hearing the news, everybody went all panicky. They were all headed for the nearest exit, except Lord Leo when he shouted, "My hall is made of stone! The fire will not reach here! Do not panic!" Dang, I need to put more jokes in. I haven't cracked one in at least three paragraphs!
     Suddenly there was a loud BOOM, and Walter heard Alice saying "There goes the wine."
     And then there was an unmistakable crackle and an orange flame near the passageway to the great hall.
     "Impossible!" Boomed Lord Leo, almost as loud as the explosion of the wine. The fire was still spreading. Then Walter put 2 and 2 together to get 5, and saw a line of wooden block on the ground.
     "WOODEN BLOCKS!" Yelled Walter. "Someone must've lit the kitchen up on purpose! We need to take away the wooden blocks quickly before the fire spreads to the table!"
     Everyone rushed to the entrance instead of the exit to start taking the blocks away, and Walter and Alice, who had water instead of wine, took their cups too, refilling as much of it as possible.
     Walter rushed down the hall reaching the end in seconds, but spilling half of his water. Alice took her time and had an almost full cup when she reached the passage. Everyone started throwing blocks across the room.
     They removed one last block and slightly burned their hands. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. But then, more sizzling! The fire had jumped the stone and landed on the table. Everyone tried to blow the flame, out, but that just made it worse. Walter threw water from his cup, but there was so little left that nothing happened to the fire. It was Alice's cup that splashed on the fire directly, and after a bit of sizzling, the fire went out, leaving a big black mark on the table. Everyone breathed a bigger sigh of relief.
     Lord Leo looked at the half-burned passage sadly. His best cook hadn't made it out, and neither, of course, did his spits, which were extra-long wooden skewers used to hold animals in place. Almost as soon as everyone had evacuated, everyone poured back in, inspecting the remains of the fire and the blackened table.
     Everyone stepped carefully around the remaining fire and went into the kitchen. Everything was black, and the cooks felt around, seeing if they could salvage anything left over. The knives had made it, more or less. The handles had been burned up, leaving random pieces of metal.
     "Well, everyone," Lord Leo announced, "These kitchens will hardly clean themselves. We must repair what is left of the kitchen. Moveit! Meanwhile I will try to find out who did this."
     "It was the top cook," said a cook. "She wasn't looking and accidentally burned the kitchen."
     "No, it was no accident. There were wooden blocks," Lord Leo. "Someone must have bribed her or blackmailed her. She wouldn't burn down her own kitchen. It was someone else that planned it, and believe me, I'm going to find out who did it and why, or my name's not Leo, and it is, so there!"

Turn The Page chapter 3 - A Day In The Life Of Walter

Chapter 3- a day in the life of Walter

     Walter got up from the dusty ground. He'd been in the castle for a week, and so far nothing bad had happened. Walter's least favorite thing to do was learning to read and write from the schoolmaster, who was not a bad person, but was just plain boring. At least Walter got about half an hour of extra sleep. Lord Leo's wife tried to teach Walter how to sing and dance but it was no good because Walter was horrible at that sort of thing. Whenever he tried to go high, he went lower, and when he tried to dance, he tripped over his own feet.
     The Lord Leo also started teaching Walter the basics of combat in his spare time. His most frequent piece of advice was "stay alive". He explained to Walter that the stories of heroes charging into battle straight into all the enemies and coming out untouched was not very likely to happen. Leo also taught Walter how to ride a horse, and how to practice combat by himself. The key was to use a quintain, which was a wooden dummy. When something hit the shield, the dummy would flail around. Walter's job was not to get hit by the dummy, which was what just happened to Walter when he was practicing jousting one fine day.
     Walter walked back to his horse, remounted, then charged once again at the dummy. This time he aimed his lance at the body instead of the shield to see what would happen. There were 3 seconds to impact. 2. 1. CLUNK THUD! The clunk was the lance hitting the dummy, who seemed to be getting smarter, and the thud was Walter on the ground.
     Walter picked himself up, and stumbled back to his pony. His horse was very white with a white mane and a white everything. Even the saddle was white! He'd named him Stormbringer because it sounded really cool. Walter was very satisfied with Stormbringer, because Lord Leo had told him he was very fast for a horse this young, and it appeared that Stormbringer was quite strong too.
     Walter climbed onto his horse, and charged again. Walter decided to try hitting the shield again. Walter thrust with all his strength, which is to say, without much strength, as he was not that strong. The quintain immediately swung around and hit Walter hard on the chest. Walter sailed off the saddle once again, but this time Walter was prepared for his landing. With a backwards flip and triple axle, he landed perfectly on the ground, on his feet. He immediately strolled back to Stormbringer.
     This is the last time, Walter thought, and got onto his pony. He dug his heels into his pony's side. He didn't want to use spurs, because he imagined it would be painful for the horse. He charged and prepared his shield, holding it right in front of him. His heels went farther in, and then farther. The next moment seemed in slow motion. Walter's lance struck the wooden shield very hard, and snap went the long stick. Walter was caught off guard, and the sword hit his shield with full force. This time Walter didn't fall off. He flew off! Walter landed in the most uncomfortable gymnastic position possible, trying really really really hard to breathe. He gasped. He wheezed. He stumbled back to his pony and led him to the stable, half holding the lead to keep himself standing, then he coughed all the way to his room.


     The next morning, he ate a very good breakfast, though he was still regaining his breath. He went to the classroom, where he was supposed to learn reading and writing, but slept instead. The schoolmaster, who had unfortunately had 20 straight years of perfect attendance, was obviously there already, waiting to start his droning sound.
     "How are you?" asked the schoolmaster, but Walter only heard "hooreeyoo?".
     "Yes, I did my homework," Walter replied.
     "IMenthooreeyoo?"
     "I'm fine."
     "Gu, lestartuday leven," said the schoolmaster, and he went on to talk about reading and writing and math and what you should eat if you wanted to fart less, but Walter was already fast asleep.
     After the nap, Walter went to lunch, reporting to Lord Leo that he'd learned how to write the letter A, and tried to write the letter "A" on his napkin, but ended up with an upside-down O. Alice, who'd already learned "A", laughed and wrote the real "A" for Walter, who recognized the letter immediately. As "O" (upside down).


     Walter had barely regained his breath, but he knew he had to keep practicing. Today, he used the low dummy, who was not as smart, to practice his sword skills. The best thing about quintains was that there were very few visible attack patterns, so it was perfect for training.  The dummy-fighting rules were simple: hit the other guy 3 times and you win!Walter gripped his wooden sword tight, and swung at the shield, as it was supposed to be done. The dummy's shield withstood the sword, of course, and counterattacked with it's sword, quivering this way and that.
     Walter caught the blow on the edge of his shield, and the dummy lunged for another attack. This time, he took the blow right in the middle of his shield, and lunged to attack again. By a lucky chance, the smart dummy parried with its sword and swiped a sidearm, hitting Walter on the side.
     Walter stepped out of reach of the dummy, caught his breath, then attacked again. This time the sword hit the smarty on the chest, but the smart dummy, or the smarty, quickly recoiled, and knocked Walter down. The score was now 2-1 with the smarty winning and the human losing. Walter attacked again, but his hit was blocked by the shield, and the dummy's sword merely brushed Walter's shoulder, which didn't count as a point. Walter hit hard on the shield and parried the wooden object's sword. Walter quickly swiped as hard as he could with his wooden sword. The sword hit the smarty's neck, and as it was screwed on loosely, it flew into the air, and sap flew everywhere. The head landed with a thunk, and the smarty, no longer having a head, and so no longer having a brain, became a dummy again. The dummy seemed to not be dead yet, because it was still standing, so Walter kicked it in the chest, and it fell on its back. By Walter's own rules, decapitations counted as immediate wins, probably so that Walter could actually occasionally win.


     The next day was Sunday, which was church day and market day too. The minister, Mr. Fow Z., was so religious, he was wearing stained glasses. Walter didn't pay much attention in church either, but at least he learned much more from it than from the schoolmaster.

     Market day was Walter's favorite day, because he didn't have to learn reading or writing. Also, people from all over would open little stands selling all sorts of bits and bobs, like really fake magic wands for really dumb kids (and dummys). Walter was given 10 dollars to spend, and he could use them to do all sorts of things. There were musicians, jugglers, and performers doing all sorts of tricks and stunts. If Walter liked the performance, he would would throw money into the performer's box. That day, Walter gave a dancing bear all 10 dollars, but immediately regretted it, because there was really delicious food a little ways off. Walter spent a lot of his time trying to get extra free samples by flipping his shirt inside out to pretend to be someone else. There were a lot of pickpockets and thieves at market day, so everyone except people with no money had to keep a close lookout on their belongings, as Walter had found out last week. Walter had caught a pickpocket trying to pick his pocket after he'd used all his money, and after the pickpocket started mumbling something, another pickpocket came and picked the first pickpocket's pocket. The money seemed to go from one pickpocket to another without an end.